


21 Questions

by Capspandex



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: 2010 Olympics, Cuddling, Domestic Fluff, Emotional, Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Relationship Struggles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 04:43:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10756944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capspandex/pseuds/Capspandex
Summary: How Ryan and Zach came to be after a decade of heartbreak and learning what love is, told through a series of 21 questions.





	21 Questions

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Lara betad thank her  
> 2\. Inspired by 21 questions by water parks   
> 3\. Also inspired by losing a friend to a boy in some sense (because I subconsciously write my feelings)

_**one** _

_how did we meet?_

Ryan asks himself this often. The thing neither of them can really remember. Ryan thinks it was maybe freshman year after a game, maybe middle school, maybe peewee hockey. They've just always known each other, but there was so definitive meeting. 

_**two** _

_what was our first kiss like?_

They were at a party, a shitty party at that. They didn't know anyone, they were drunk off of their ass on shitty beer, that was probably pbr or something. Zach was definitely more drunk and Ryan was only tipsy. Zach looked like an idiot and looking back on it his truly 2000s outfit didn't help either. He was really rocking that layered t shirt look with low waisted, oddly washed, too small jeans, fucking converse, and the only thing that possibly could've made it anymore 00s was whale-tailing a sparkling thong or a band shirt with the whole layered thing. Zach put his beer down and basically grabbed Ryan by the waist and kissed his mouth so messily it was almost gross. Ryan couldn't help but kiss back at Zach. Zach was cute, Ryan always kept that to himself, but Zach was cute. He had pretty brown eyes, lips he'd just discovered were softer than he even imagined, and a nice hockey body. 

_**three** _

_what was it like having sex the first time?_

Zach was the first person Ryan ever had sex with, like actual sex, or gay sex, or whatever you want to call it. It was just something about Zach. Zach was easy for him, eager, couldn't deal with Ryan's stamina and loved it. Zach was a little fussy, definitely tried not to be judged, and was just so perfect and pretty. Ryan might've been just a little bit in love. 

 

_**four** _

_what was it like saying I love you and goodbye for the first time all at once?_

The draft was exciting and awful at the same time. Zach and Ryan were just starting out a relationship they had no idea would last until _now_. They were literally making out after the combine and Zach said it. "I love you, Ryan. The way you do everything, I think you are my everything". It's one of those phrases that rings through Ryan's head often. Ryan still regrets not telling Zach he loved him back and just kissed him harder and rougher until they were both out of breath. Zach was okay with it and really thought nothing of it, lost in the moment Ryan liked to think. Ryan Suter did not know if he loved Zach Parise. He felt bad because Zach loved him so much but he couldn't commit to someone literally 24 hours before the draft. He wanted to distract himself, tell himself this wasn't happening. 

Saying goodbye hurt more than it should've. Ryan was going to Nashville and Zach was going to New Jersey, and they'd both do great things, he knew that much. It just hurt. The one last hug, the one last kiss, the one last night. Each one felt like a bullet to Ryan's already confused head and chest. Zach was upset, rightfully so. At the end of the summer when he kissed Ryan goodbye one more time his final words were "don't forget about me". Ryan often thinks about that. He never forgot Zach, he never will. It's not like he didn't see Zach, but he didn't see him enough. He was alone in Nashville and all he wanted was Zach to hold and kiss next to him. 

**_five_ **

_What was it like distracting yourself?_

A few years into Nashville, Ryan found Shea. Shea was a new hotshot defensemen in every way. He was just very attractive. He had soft brown eyes, fluffy brown hair, broad shoulders, and a beautiful physique. He was an incredible hockey player, high drafted defensemen, who Ryan really couldn't wait to play with. Ryan loved playing with Shea. They were one hell of a defensive pairing and grew closer as the season went on. The progression of their relationship was still slow and learning things about each other slowly, as time went on. 

It started out with Shea sometimes staying at Ryan's because Shea lived further away from the practice center than Ryan did, and somehow that was his excuse. Then it moved to sharing the bed with Ryan. Ryan wasn't complaining though. He liked being able to curl up into Shea's arms and be the little spoon sometimes. He still thought about Zach, and felt guilty just a little bit. He would tell himself "who cares", and who wouldn't if they had Shea fucking Weber's arms wrapped around them. 

One night after a big win in Arizona, of all places, Ryan and Shea went out to a bar with the rest of the team, got a little too drunk and went back to the hotel. Shea kissed Ryan, sloppily, open-mouthed, almost like Zach. Ryan was thankful for the alcohol clouding his mind so he didn't really have to think about what he was doing right now, because _god, it's Shea fucking Weber_. 

Sex with Shea was awesome. Shea could do things to Ryan, literally no one else could. Something about Shea's arms and perfect body wrapped around him and in him and everywhere was perfect. He liked having a steady sort of partner again. Ryan knew he was distracting himself from Zach but he kept that thought so buried behind dreams of winning the cup, spending every waking moment with Shea, hockey, and alcohol after a good win. It was just easier that way. 

_**six** _

_but then what happens when I see you again?_

Drunken Olympic losses fucking suck. They weren't drunk during the loss, but they were after. It's not that Ryan hadn't talked to Zach, but he hadn't told Zach about his whole relationship with Shea thing and Zach hadn't really told Ryan much. They were drunk and sad and probably in need of sex. Ryan couldn't go crying to Shea and fucking Zach seemed like the best idea his drunken mind could come up with at the moment. Of course it was drunk Zach, with poor fashion choices (otherwise known as full out monochrome team USA gear) who kissed him. It felt like their first kiss, but this was one much more passionate, angry. They quickly went back to Ryan's room and Zach was pretty damn easy for Ryan. He opened up so easily and Ryan thought he was so pretty. He would tell him that, but it wasn't worth the effort, and neither of them would remember the next day. Ryan shouldn't even be doing this, but he might just be a little bit in love with Zach Parise he thinks, as he thrusts into him hearing Zach whine and moan strings of words that make no sense. They fall asleep messy and drunk next to each other and Ryan wakes up first, whispers a "fuck" and doesn't get up. He takes in the nice view, the fact his first love is still next to him, and tries to forget that he's kind of in a relationship right now. 

_**seven** _

_you dropped him, loved me, and never told me, but why?_

That's the question Shea asks Ryan after Ryan told him he slept with Zach at the olympics. The thing is Ryan never blatantly said "I love you", to Zach. He regrets it now, but in that moment he didn't. "We were just kids, fucking around, making out, and it was never an official thing. I never said I loved him. I told him he was pretty, I told him that I liked him, but that's all it was.", Ryan says 

"Why did you have sex with him again? You could've come to me?", Shea says. 

"I was drunk, there's nothing quite like sex with Zach, and it seemed like a good pitiful idea for both of us at the time", Ryan says. 

"Why is it better with him than me?", Shea retorts. 

"It's not better, it's just different. Zach is just...Zach. He gives into me sometimes and he's fussy and pretty laid out on the bed for me and I was drunk and I'm sorry okay?", Ryan says. 

"Whatever", Shea says, obviously upset and leaves the room. 

Of course in that moment Ryan has regrets. He couldn't just tell Shea that he's his distraction. That would break his heart, and probably his own heart. Ryan likes Shea, tells Shea he loves him, usually doesn't question the truth of it. Sometimes he thinks how different it would've been if he and Zach had made things official. He wasn't ready for it, he wasn't comfortable enough with himself. He liked having sex with Zach and kissing him and missing him, but he didn't like admitted he loved him and could be bound to him.

Because at age 18, committing to a boy forever, barely accepting the fact you're gay, is terrifying. 

_**eight** _

_why didn't you tell me?_

It's the question Zach asks after Ryan finally comes clean to him, 4 years after he started the whole thing with Shea. 

"I didn't want to upset you. I thought you were still in love with me and I didn't want to break your heart, and I still talk to you briefly and I thought you were just still in love me. I couldn't stand the the thought of losing you, but I'm also really happy with Shea", Ryan said over the phone. 

"God, Ryan I thought I was still in love with you, but maybe I'm wrong. You lie to me for four years, never tell me about your perfect life and here I am still head over heels waiting for you. The olympics felt so good, but I guess I'm no more than the other man, or the one night stand. Goodbye, Ryan.", Zach says as he hangs up the phone, evidently starting to cry. 

_**nine** _

_What have I done?_

Ryan asks himself this. He broke a boy's heart. Zach waited and waited and was so loyal to Ryan and Ryan distracts himself with a new boy and hides it. Ryan Suter thinks he is an asshole. On some level he's right. He just broke someone's heart, lied to them, slept with them anyway, and treated them like a one night stand. He can't help but cry. The blue-green color in jos eyes begins to fade, the bright white around them begins to turn pinky-red and the skin around that begins to swell and heat up. Ryan wasn't one to let out emotions or express them, so here he was crying in his living room with no one to lean on but a pillow next to him. Shea eventually comes down, doesn't bother to ask what happened and lets Ryan lay his head in his lap. Shea plays with his blonde hair, wipes away the years under his eyes, presses a soft kiss to his forehead, which helped a little. 

Shea didn't ask what happened because that's just not how their relationship worked. They were very quiet, didn't speak much, and used body language more than anything. They were both stoic, not exactly character guys, but good guys and were good for each other. That's one of the things Ryan missed about Zach. He could spill his emotions out to him and Zach knew exactly how to fix it. He thinks back to how when he realized how worried about his own identity and liking boys was, Zach knew how to comfort him. Zach talked him through it, told him how the NHL would never ever have to know, kissed him, let him sit in his lap, despite the fact Ryan was much bigger than Zach. Shea was just very soft and domestic with Ryan sometimes. He really appreciated it because sometimes it's nice to have your head in someone's lap while they stroke through your hair and wipe your tears away. Shea was the one who let Ryan sink into his side and Shea was the one who'd kiss his forehead and rub his thigh and twirl his hair and wipe his tears, which was still strange to Ryan. Ryan was used to being the one who did that, he was used to being in Shea's position with Zach. He missed it. 

_**ten** _

_why was everything so routine?_

By the 2011-12 season Shea and Ryan have a perfect rhythm. They wake up, go to practice, eat, maybe go out, maybe have sex, and play a game of there's a game to played. At home on an off day it's perfect. Ryan wakes up with Shea's big arms wrapped around his waist, adjusts his position and just stays there until Shea wakes him up. Shea makes breakfast, Ryan checks on the garden and the dogs. They get ready for practice, they skate their little show as usual, they come home, eat. If there's no game they just relax, go out, or have sex. If there's a game, they do all their pregame superstitions, dress in their suits, and drive to the arena ready for another night in front of the crowd. It just stayed like this, 

 

_**eleven** _

_why didn't you tell me earlier?_

Ryan was a free agent. Zach was a free agent. Ryan didn't expect to have a voicemail from Zach when he got off the plane from Nashville to his hometown in Wisconsin. He wandered off the a corner in baggage claim, texted Shea that he made it home, and began to the listen to the voicemail, it sounded like Zach was crying: "I don't know why I'm doing this, I really don't. Ryan fucking Suter I've always been in love with you. Always have, always will be. I kind of hope you, and I maybe use free agency to sign in the same place, make things right again. I mean maybe I'm just over emotional because of the whole losing in the cup final thing. I know you have Shea and I feel really bad, but I fucking miss you. I want to love you again, I want to start over in a new place. I don't want to fuck up again. I don't even know what I did to make you leave. I love you. Maybe meet me in Minnesota this summer because I fucking miss you"

Ryan almost started crying. The thought came out of his mind that Shea was a distraction. He called his family and said he was going to Minnesota. He found Zach in St Paul, knocking on the door of childhood home he knew all too well. Zach answered. Zach looked like a wreck for late June. His face was stubbly, his t shirt was ripped, and his sweatpants weren't even his. They were Ryan's from what felt like a hundred years ago. 

"You came", Zach said. 

"Of course I did", Ryan said. 

"Why"

"Because I think I can finally admit I love you. Shea was a distraction because I couldn't get you out of my head for three fucking years. God, Zach I fucked up. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot for the way I used you and hurt you and I don't deserve this. I don't fucking deserve the boy who stayed loyal to me for almost ten years. I love you, Zach."

Zach couldn't even speak. He just kissed Ryan and they could talk later. 

_**twelve** _

_why did you break my heart?_

Shea asked Ryan that. It was hard to talk to him now. Ryan told Shea he was a distraction and moved Zach all along. He felt like a piece of shit after, which he kind of was. Shea was crying on the other end. Shea just loved Ryan and he thought he'd never find someone again, but Ryan found that hard to believe.

Love is hurtful, makes sacrifices, and knows its course. 

_**thirteen** _

_how do we fix this?_

On top of free agency ideas and trying to figure out where to go with Zach they also had to work on their own relationship. The thing is, yes they were still in love, yes Zach was still a little hurt, and yes, relationships involve a lot of work, a lesson Ryan hadn't quite learned yet. He let Zach cry to him sometimes. He cried to him a lot that last week in June.

"Ryan I just don't know why I love you. I should hate you, but I here I am, in our bed, wanting you so fucking badly. I was so hurt and I know you'll apologize and I just want this to work because there's just something about you.", Zach said. Ryan couldn't comprehend it all. 

"I'm sorry. I was mean, I was an asshole. I was trying to block out the pain with what was there. I love you Zach. I mean it this time. I fucking love you", Ryan said. 

That night meant a lot to both of them. It was the first time Ryan truly said I love you and Zach took it to heart. They were ready to begin new lives together in a new place; most likely Detroit or Minnesota. They were ready to put the past behind them and start over. They were ready to fix what was broken and start a new life. They'll fall in love again, for real this time. They'll know each other so well, yet they'll learn each other's bodies over and over again. 

_**fourteen** _

_You dropped your guy, and took me on, but then what? Why me?_

Zach asked Ryan this, whole heartedly. It was mostly out of curiosity and the need to have the reassurance Ryan did actually love him. 

"Zach, back in the 00s you were just too much for me. I was oblivious to what I was getting and I got myself into, I was young and horny. If I knew the impact it had, drama and all I wouldn't do it again, but at the same time I would, for you. I want to break down my own walls and finally, truly fall in love with you and no one else," Ryan said. 

"Ryan, I love you, you know that, right?," Zach asked, like a sad little puppy. 

"I love you too, and I'm ready to _really_ love you," Ryan replied, giving Zach a peck on the lips. 

_**fifteen** _

_Where do we go from here?_

_July 2nd, 2012_  
"Ryan, where do you want to go? I think I've narrowed it down," Zach asked while reading a book and sipping coffee. 

"I mean Detroit is our best winning shot, but like it's fucking Detroit and just the tiniest bit sketchy and depressing. Minnesota would be perfect for us, but they're just so...bad," Ryan replied. 

"Would they be bad with us and all those rookies? In a few years time they really could be contenders and I love being close to home"

"That's a good point"

"Did you make your decision?"

"Minnesota It is, babe", Ryan walked over and hugged Zach. He kissed his pouty, pink lips and just made out with him for a while. 

They signed their contracts on July 4th. It was a new beginning for them, for Minnesota, and it was hopeful. 

_**sixteen** _

_when did you realize you were truly in love with Zach?_

Ryan realized he was truly in love with Zach in December of their first season with the Wild. They were getting ready for Christmas, the gross Minnesota winter was cold and bitter with an unfortunately small amount of snow, and everything felt right. When Zach came home, Ryan felt at home. That feeling set something off inside him. The minute he realized Zach was what made somewhere feel like home, he was in love. 

He'd never felt this before, not with Zach previously, not with Shea. It was a new feeling, a good one, one he never wanted to let go of and one he always wanted to feel. Zach in his arms was also like home. Zach had said Ryan's arms felt like a home and now Ryan knew what he meant. He loves having his arms around Zach. He can feel his strong abs and perfect physique. Sometimes he can take one of his hands and play with Zach's hair or rub a thumb over his lips. It was domestic, it was nice. 

Ryan wanted this for the rest of his life. 

_**seventeen** _

_when the first time you truly made love, in your life?_

Ryan had a lot of sex in his life. Most of it with Zach and Shea, a little bit with random girls he'd pick up, and nothing felt like this time. Ryan was so infatuated with Zach in a way he never was before. Zach was just head over heels for Ryan. It was February and they had the day off, and it also happened to be Valentine's Day. When they woke up Zach made out with him, Zach took care of him and Zach made sure Ryan knew how much he loved him. It felt different, it felt good, Ryan could get used to it. 

_**eighteen** _

_What was your life like without him?_

Ryan's life before Zach was still Ryan's life. He was primarily a simple student, a simple farmer, a simple hockey defensemen. Zach brought his 'Plain Jane' life into technicolor screams. He had someone to chase after, someone to yearn for him, someone to want and crave, someone to need so much you distract yourself from him. Zach taught Ryan so much. He taught him how to love, break your heart, and fall in love again. Zach domesticated Ryan to a point where he had a soft side, but also showed him a whole new world of what love could be. 

Ryan would live a black and white life, if it weren't for Zach's dumb bright eyes barging into it. 

_**nineteen** _

_Would you get tired of my time?_

Ryan often questions how Zach isn't sick of him. How has the beautiful, colorful, personality filled Zach Parise not gotten sick of simple farmer Ryan Suter. Ryan was so thankful for that, thankful for the way Zach was a foil to him. Zach always led Ryan on and kept him guessing, while Ryan was just Ryan. Zach liked the constant. Ryan was Zach's constant, he could get used to that. 

_**twenty** _

_What makes you fall in love with him every single day?_

As cliche it sounds it was simply impossible to not love everything about Zach. He was so determined and so fueled to make himself better, yet sometimes he was sweet and soft as a puppy. He had soft brown hair, warm brown eyes, kissable pink lips, a carved physique, and was so overly affectionate. Ryan didn't deserve Zach. Zach went over the top for him, was so loyal, so perfect, how could you not love it?

_**twenty-one** _

_Would you do it all again?_

The journey of Ryan and Zach is a messy route. It's a story of conflict resolution, broken hearts, true love, and ambition. It came down to who really matters in their own lives. It was the hurt they put upon each other that led them to kiss and makeup and play on the same team. It was Shea, (god forbid he say it), who taught him the rights and wrongs and made him better to Zach overall. It's a heartbreaking decade or so. 

Ryan would do it all again just to be where he is now with Zach.

**Author's Note:**

> Stanleycupfinal.tumblr.com


End file.
